Original Issuez #6 Wholesome Summer Fun
Source: WholesomeZine Issue Six 1986; Author: High School student in 1986
Ever drive by people walking down the street in your car and say, "Gee, those people are real scum I should've yelled something to offend them but I'm just not clever enough to think of anything by myself." Well, I'm here to solve all your problems in that area, kids. And, here's how.
With young kids (under 12), it's always good to take on the persona of the crabby man next door. You know, the guy who freaks out every 4th of July when you light off anything with more firepower than a sparkler. "Damn Kids" should be the first words shouted at the beginning of any phrase pelted at prepubescents. After that, let your creativity flow. "Damn kids makin' too much noise," or "Damn kids get off my lawn" are good back up yells if your mind is blank.
Teenagers present a world of possibilities. Bogus sexual comments can be yelled at teenage girls or boys, depending on your mood. For kids in "Petra" (or any Christian rock shirt), see the Adult or Blatant Christian paragraph. "Hey, ya suck" is a good shout for any teenager.
Adults are the easiest to offend. So, even an unintelligible scream can provoke a satisfying response. "Blood suckin' freaks" is my favorite phrase to scream at adults.
Blatant Christians are my favorite category. Just yell "god sucks" or if the opportunity presents itself, describe in graphic detaill a sexual encounter with one of the mythological figures of their religion. Volume is the key with these people. If you're mind is still blank, simply shout "Christian scum" and watch the heads turn.
Be careful. If you're like me, just about anyone can kick your ass. So, make sure you're not near a stopping point when you yell.
Be creative. Creativity is the key. And, as in everything, practice makes perfect.
Confusion is another important factor. "Oh baby now" or "hey lookin' for a good time'" can be yelled at members of your same gender. If you want to put someone in a state of mental disarray for a number of weeks, "hey, is that a granola bar" is a perfect thing to yell. Cute couples are an easy target. "Fuck him/her I did" is a basic line. Of course "fuck it. I did" can be yelled at anyone walking a dog. And, of course, the classic, "Excuse me, I've got a big dick."
Make proper use of what you have. If you have a chocolate bar, by all means chew it up and lean your head out of the window to let it slowly dribble out of your mouth at a stop light.
So, keep these points is mind the next time you're tooling up and down the avenue. You and your friends will be amazed at how enjoyibly and quickly you can while the hours away.