Source: WholesomeZine Issue Six 1986; Written by Herb

Why you ask? Well, it all started Monday night. March 10. No. Actually, it all started March 21, 1968 when l was born. But for all practical purposes, this addition to my illustrious life all started Monday night March 10. I was off to see Tom Jones at the famous Rialto Square theater. This was the second time I've seen Tom. So, I was familiar with his show. With this in mind, on the way to the lovely theater, I stopped at our local venture store with the mission of finding the cheapest, sleaziest pair of underwear manufactured. l discovered a nasty pair with a red lace see through front panel and gross black nylon back part for a mere $2.19. I was euphoric. l knew these would do the job. You see, a decent part of Tom Jones' show is the breaks he takes after every three or four songs to get people (women) to come to the foot of the stage and give him stuff (cakes, shirts, and, of course, underwear). They get to talk into his mike and every thing. Anyway, I had already devised the master plan and during the long trek to the theatre, I was confident that I would have enough guts to carry out the scheme. Finally, we arrived and I was psyched. We sat through the opening act, which was a stand up comedian, who was o.k. Then, during the intermission, l I went out in the lobby to try and calm down. My anticipation was almost overcoming me. The lobby was a cultural experience; hordes of overweight, over 40-year-old women dressed in polyester, drinking overpriced drinks and engaging in the utterly pleasant act of smoking cigarettes. l can still almost taste that lobby. Back to our seats. The lights dimmed. Fanfare. The music prevailed. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. TOM JONES!! (The crowd went wild.) Tom ripped through some amazing covers including "Emergency" by Kool and the Gang and “Purple Rain" by Prince. Then, Tom did his first break, about five women went up. I was too nervous. One lady gave him an elaborate cake with a girl on it that said "What's new pussycat?". Another lady gave him some extremely mediocre underwear and Tom got silly and put them on. My blood boiled. Yet another younger girl gave him a rose. Incidently this female had some extremely bodacious ta-ta's which, of course, Mr. T. Jones could not refrain from using some extremely bad humor when commenting on them. Ok. Let's proceed. Tom ripped through a couple more covers and the classic "Delilah." Then, stopped again. I paused. I saw two women approaching the stage. I knew this was it. l got hold of myself and walked up there. I was the third person in the pseudo-line at the front of the stage. While he accepted flowers from the first two women, I noticed that he saw me in the corner of his eye. Tom gave an inconspicuous double take. I was shaking and when my turn finally came my voice almost trembled. (This is rare.) But, I was heard easily. Here is what was said. Keep in mind, this is all into the mike. So, even though the exchange was between us, it is part of the show, so it's also directed towards the audience:

Tom (in his eloquent low-pitched English accent): "What's this? We've got a fella up here!"

Me: "Well, my mother is sick and she couldn't come. But, she wanted me to give you these." (I gave him the panties.) (Tremendous roaring laughter.)

Tom: "I see. I was worried there for a minute, I thought we had a flat-chested girl." (More roars from the audience.)

Mr. Jones took the underwear, wiped them on his sweaty chest and face and gave them back to me. Knowing I was dangerously close to pushing my luck, l said, "She'll never believe me unless I get an autograph though.” He graciously submitted and I supplied him with pen and paper. (Later he turned down autographs.) While he signed, he said, "What's wrong with your mother?”

Me: She has the flu pretty bad.

Tom: I just had the flu a couple weeks ago.

Me: Were you still able to perform?

Tom: What?

Me: Were you still able to perform?

Tom: Oh no. I was in bed .

Me: That's too bad.

He handed me back his autograph.

Tom: Give your mother my best.

Me: Thanks alot.

(Laughter and applause from the audience as I returned to my seat.)

I sat down. I had finally reached nirvana. The rest of the show was great, but fairly anticlimactic after that episode. On my way out, I was recognized repeatedly by other fans. And, even confronted twice:

"I hope your mother feels better," one woman said surprisingly sincerely. Another lady said, "Your mother's sick, I bet!!” and walked away laughing. I was a semi-star. I returned to the car and drove home. My head still in the clouds. P.S. None of this could have been possible without my friend Mike who helped pay for my ticket (it was $25). And, also accompanied me.

If ya don't believe any of this, just come over any time and smell the panties.

No.6: I am the coolest human being that ever stalked the face of the earth... | Original Issuez Highlights